Today and after a very fruitful discussion that I had with my roommate last night, I was able to finally take my thinking about my thesis a step further. I realized after writing the first blogpost that if I cannot explain my line of reasoning for my thinking in a simple manner then how am I supposed to develop a full master thesis. I was struggling so much to make things connect that I lost my purpose somehow and what it was initially seemed a very exciting project, lost its glow and started becoming a burden. I started feeling trapped into my own decisions. And I tend to blame my self a lot of entering into situations that I don’t know how to deal with. And it is really easy to do that because it was actually my decision to do it. It is so ironic that I am getting fixated on ideas and I am really trying to make them work, but because I don’t allow flexibility and forgive myself, give more time when things are not working, and I end up feeling angry and frustrated without actually doing something to change the situation. I prefer to freeze and enter a stage of self-guild for several days, until I am able to accept the situation and figure out a way to move on. So lets go back to the beginning…
What is my personal drive? Why I am so fascinated by this way of thinking? I think that I have been experiencing the some of the impacts of my education and the way I was brought up in a nonconstructive way. I valued certainty over uncertainty. It has always been easier to place things and ideas into boxes and keep them there and not allowing any flexibility for change of movement. This allows for a high level of security in once sense. If you have things in the right order everything is going to be fine. The same thing happened with dreams and ideas that I have been hanging on to, and not being able to accomplish. And the truth is, I might have been able to accomplish them, but because I was so immersed in this state of self-blame and perception of failure, I could never see the bigger picture and figure out a different way to achieve what I desired at the time. And maybe that was one of the issues, I start with desires, which are really raw and never have a 100% percent correspondence with real life. You start with an idea and you get fixated on some assumptions that this would be the right way to go, but at the end of the day, or throughout the process you realize that this is not how things work in real life. You need to be very attentive to the changes around you and to take into account several parametres in order to try and find a balance between what you want, between what other people want, but also what is really happening around you. Of course, you might say that everything is a matter of perspective. That you can also live in a small bubble or you can adjust the way you perceive things in such a way that they fit your framework. But there will always exist some resistance, the main question is, how do you decide to deal with that resistance[KE(1] ? Do you simply ignore it? Pretend it is not there? Do you acknowledge it and try to work your way around it? Or do you decide to engage with it? With a risk of even discrediting what you have always thought was there? There is a very interesting connection with the fixed mental path that you have constructed in your mind and how the idea materializes in the physical world….
I guess that is already more food for thought for the next couple of days…
A Student's Journal 